Darken
by Impala-Dreamer
Summary: You came to in a trashed motel room covered in someone else's blood with no memories of the last week. It's up to Sam and Dean to help you piece the puzzle together and figure out what happened to you... Reader Insert. Mild language, violence, memory loss, slight sexual content in later chapters. (4 Parts, complete)
1. Chapter 1

"OK, It's OK. You just have to calm down," you told your reflection in the broken mirror. You stared at yourself, trying to control your breathing, trying to calm yourself enough to figure out what had happened. Your face and hands were covered in blood, not your own, as far as you could tell, and your clothes were dirty and ripped at the sleeves, but otherwise you were fine; a few scratches and a pounding headache - that was it.

You looked at your hands and started to freak out again. Shaking badly you turned on the taps and scrubbed at your hands, trying to get the blood off. You splashed water on your face as well, rubbing at the dried blood there. You gave up and sat on the edge of the shower, trying to steady yourself and think: "What is going on? What happened?" Flashes of memory came back to you, bits and pieces that made no sense: the side of a road, a truck, and then blood.

You reached for your phone and scrolled through to Dean's number. Another flash of memory hit you: You had left the bunker upset, you and Dean were screaming at each other. Did you throw a book at him? And then nothing. It went to black again. You put your phone down and rubbed your hands down your face. "Please somebody tell me what happened! Help me, please..."

Suddenly you heard a familiar and comforting sound in the other room: the rustle of invisible wings. You jumped up and opened the bathroom door to see Castiel in all his trench-coated glory standing in the filthy motel room. "Cas! Oh my God!"

"Y/N, where have you been? Are you all right? We have been looking for you for over a week." Castiel spoke calmly, but his eyes gave away his worry. You wanted to run to him and have him wrap his arms around you like always, but you were suddenly afraid. Not of him, but of yourself.

"Cas, I... I don't remember anything." You held your hands out to him and he saw the blood. "It's not my blood." You assured him and hid your hands under your arms, hugging yourself. "Wait, a week? So how did you find me here?"

"You were praying just now."

"I was? I guess. What the hell is going on?" A wave of dizziness hit you and you swayed forward. Castiel caught you and walked you to the bed. You sat and stared at him, big blue eyes regarding you with concern. "What do you remember?" he asked gently.

"Almost nothing. I mean, I think I remember leaving the bunker, but not really. It's like, blank." You waved your hand in front of your head, "Nothing else up there." Cas was quiet. You didn't like how he was looking at you, watching you as if you could attack him at any moment. He looked worried. Your head spun again, and your breath was coming in short little gasps. "What is happening to me?" You cried, putting your head down between your knees and trying to control your breathing lest you hyperventilate. "Cas, talk to me dude."

Castiel put his hand on your back and patted gently. "Let's get you home." He said and instantly you felt a pull in your stomach as the motel room seemed to fall away beneath you. Thankfully your head was down and your eyes were closed because you hated this. Being transported angelically was something you'd never get used too. You opened your eyes when you felt the ground return under your feet and you stood up, you were in the bunker, on the walkway overlooking the War Room. Dean was seated below at the big glowing table. He looked up when he heard the flap of wings and gasped your name when he saw you. "Y/N!"

"Dean..." You were still breathing heavily and now a little nauseous from the journey. You ran down the metal stairs towards him and he met you at the bottom, gathering you up into his strong arms. He held you tightly, his arm around your shoulders and one hand on your head.

"Where the hell were you?" he growled into your hair.

"I don't know. I don't know what happened...I… I can't remember anything." You stammered, tears welling in your eyes. It felt so good to be back in Dean's arms, but what had made you leave in the first place?

Dean pulled back quickly and looked you over. "You don't remember anything?" He asked, his face full of the same worry and concern that Castiel's had been.

"No. I mean, a few things, but I have no idea what happened, or what I did, or where I was, or why I'm covered in blood and…" You rambled, not taking in enough oxygen and your head became fuzzy again.

"It's OK." Dean said, pulling you back towards him. He kissed your forehead and looked up at Cas. "We'll figure it out. It'll be OK Y/N."

There were no windows in your room, so waking up in the bunker was always a little confusing, no daylight to give you a time reference. You felt like you'd been asleep for days, but the clock on your nightstand revealed it had only been a few hours, it was almost 9:30pm.

You had showered before collapsing into bed, but you could still feel the blood on your hands, you pulled the sleeves of your hoodie down and covered them, trying to ignore the feeling.

The hallway was quite, you passed Dean's room; the door was open and you could see that he wasn't there; his bed was still clean and made. You hadn't put your shoes on, and your bare feet squeaked on the waxed floor as you walked the halls in search of your friends. Voices rose from the library and you moved quietly towards them.

"Can't you do a little Angel Mojo or something and snap her brain back together?" Dean asked, his voice sounded tired.

"I do not believe her brain is apart Dean." Cas replied. You couldn't see it, but you were sure Dean rolled his eyes at that. "I could try to help her remember, but we don't know what caused this or what happened so it would be better if she came to it herself."

"Yeah Dean, she could be blocking it out for a reason." You heard the rustle of a newspaper as Sam continued, "And now this, a trail of bodies near where she was found. This isn't good. Whatever happened to her, it's probably best that she doesn't remember yet."

You stepped into the room and cleared your throat. All three men looked towards you. "Hey, how are you feeling?" Sam asked, coming to you and giving you a warm hug.

"OK I guess." You looked up at him "So…'trail of bodies'?"

He looked away towards the newspaper and back to you. "Well, um…don't worry about that right now. We don't know…"

"If it was me?" you finished his sentence. "But you're pretty sure it was." you moved away from him slowly, hugging yourself and trying not to panic.

Dean stood up and came towards you. "Hey, we don't know anything yet. Just relax."

"How can I relax? I don't remember anything from the last week and I woke up in a trashed motel room covered in somebody else's blood. You guys have no idea where I was, and now Sam's got a trail of bodies leading to me? How can I relax?" Your voice was strained and high at the end and you took a deep breath to steady yourself. Dean stepped forward and grabbed you, wrapping his arms around you again. You closed your eyes and tried to hide your face in his chest.

A flash of pain ripped through your head and you fell backwards out of Dean's arms. Memories flooded back before your eyes.

 _"You can't leave!" Dean was yelling at you, his face was red and angry._

 _"You can't keep me here either Dean!" You shouted back at him, grabbing your bag and shoving your journal inside it. "I'm going and you can't stop me. You can't keep treating me like a child. I can handle a solo hunt."_

 _"You're gonna get yourself hurt again." He growled at you._

 _You laughed sarcastically, throwing your head back. "Oh thanks for that! Keep bringing that up! You know I really hate you sometimes."_

 _"Don't say that. Put your shit down and stop this! You're not going."_

 _You picked up a nearby book and threw it at him, it didn't even come close to hitting him but he moved over to dodge it anyway. "Now you are acting like a child!" He screamed._

 _"Screw you Winchester." Your words were slow and designed to stab him. You hoped it stung; you were so mad at him. He didn't say anything; he just shook his head and looked away. You shouldered your backpack and ran up the loud metal stairs._

"Y/N? Y/N!" Dean was calling your name, his hands on your shoulders shaking you. You opened your eyes to find yourself on the floor, the boys all standing above you. Dean was kneeling next to you, his hands flying all over you, making sure you were ok. "You OK? You fainted."

"I what? No I… I remembered something. We were fighting; I threw a book at you." You said, blinking up at him. "I'm sorry." You sat up, still trying to clear your vision.

"It's OK. Just relax." Dean wiped at his eye with his fingertips.

"So I did throw a book at you." You said, feeling instantly horrible and guilty. You and Dean had a very passionate relationship and that passion often extended into your fights.

"Yeah, but it's OK." He answered and reached for your hand. "You left and we couldn't find you after that." He kissed your hand. "I'm sorry."

It was just like Dean to feel guilty about something that you did to him. "Just help me up please." you said, waving away his pointless apology.

"So you remembered that, anything else coming back?" Sam asked.

"No, just that. Sorry."

"It's OK. It'll come back to you."

It was coming back; there were little flashes every time you closed your eyes, but none of it made any sense. It wasn't fluid or in full scenes, just glimpses of your hands or faces or a house here and there. You could not make heads or tails of it. Your sleep was fitful, full of dreams that made you twist and turn, fighting with your blankets. You called out a few times and Dean came to you, laying next to you and soothing you back to sleep. In the morning the dreams were gone and you couldn't remember any of it.

The next day you tried to avoid the guys as much as possible. Dean kept treating you like you were broken, like you couldn't even hold your fork by yourself. He followed you around all morning like a nurse. It made you insane. Sam was no better. He didn't bother you much, but he kept asking if you remembered anything and you caught him a few times staring at you like you were a lab experiment. You wanted to jump in your car and go for a drive but there was nowhere to go, and you knew you probably should stay put; at least until you got your head together. You were standing in the garage looking at your car longingly when Dean found you again.

"Going somewhere?" he asked.

You turned to look at him. You were trying really hard not to be annoyed with him, but this whole thing was just too much. "Let's go for a ride." You said, batting your eyes at him like you always did when you wanted something.

His eyebrows furrowed as he looked at you. "I don't think that's a good idea." He said with a sigh.

"Come on Dean! I don't want to be in here anymore. Take me for a drive. Please? We can go get some food. There's nothing to eat here anyway. Come on." You moved towards him, running your hands up his chest to wrap around his neck and you kissed him hard, pressing yourself against him. He softened to your touch and kissed you back, his hand reaching for your waist and pulling you closer.

 _You were dancing in a loud bar. You swung your hips seductively and flashed your eyes at a short older man across the room. He came to you and started to dance, grinding up against you._

"Y/N?"

 _You lead the man out of the bar, walking a few blocks until you turned down a dark alley. The man caught your arm and swung you around, kissing you and forcing you up against the wall. You didn't struggle, you let him kiss and touch you._

Dean was calling your name, but it sounded like you were underwater. You couldn't move to shake the memory.

 _A woman appeared in the mouth of the alley, she was covered in shadow, you couldn't see her face, but you knew she was there for you. She nodded and you pulled your knife from your jacket, plunging it into the man's chest._

You heard yourself scream, but it was distant like Dean's voice. You grabbed at his shirt, clinging to him as your head spun and your legs gave out. Dean held onto you and you both sank down to the floor.

"Y/N! Can you hear me?" Green eyes searched yours, waiting for an answer. You nodded and let go of his shirt, reaching for your head instead. Your temples throbbed; your pulse was too fast. You took a breath and tried to relax.

"Did you remember something?"

"Yeah…" You sat up and moved away from Dean. "The bodies were mine. I killed them." You got to your knees and tried to stand so you could run away. Dean grabbed your hand and kept you down with him.

"We will figure this out." He said firmly. You believed him, but you weren't sure if you wanted to figure it out. Not after what you'd just seen. You killed a man in cold blood. What else had you done?

* * *

 _To Be Continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

"You said there was a woman in the alleyway, you don't remember what she looked like? Did you see her?" Sam was pacing behind you chair. You were in the kitchen, a mug of hot coffee between your hands. You held you face over the steam and closed your eyes, letting the heat warm you.

"No. I already told you. I did not see her face. I did not recognize her." Your voice was growing louder with each word. "I don't know who she is. I don't know where I was. I don't know who the stiff was or why I stabbed him!" You glared up at Sam daring him to ask you again what else you remembered.

He stopped pacing and looked down at you. He seemed more worried than usual. "I'm sorry. Just trying to help you piece this together." He took the seat across from you, his long legs knocking into your knees under the table.

"I know. I just can't remember any more than I've told you. Until I get another earth shattering flashback and pass out, I'm all out of details Sam!" You snapped at him again without meaning too: he was just trying to help. "Sorry dude, I just…I don't know what to do here. I'm stuck waiting for another headache to bring me some idea of what happened. Maybe Cas should mojo me, might help."

"No Y/N. If these little flashes are causing you this much pain, that could kill you. We just have to wait it out and find all the pieces and put them together." He smiled at you, showing you that it was all OK. But it wasn't OK, and you had the sudden urge to reach over and slap the smile off of his big dumb face. You stood up instead, almost knocking your chair over in your haste.

"I'm not a goddamn puzzle Sam." You said and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving him alone with a look of confusion on his face.

Curled up on the big armchair in the library, you tried to read but your head hurt too much to focus. You mind wandered back and forth over the flashbacks, trying to tie them together, but there was too much still missing. There were more faces, more blood, more people that you had killed. With each new vision you saw that woman, never clear enough to see her face or make out anything about her. It was like she was blacked out of your memories, everything but her silhouette.

Sam and Dean were arguing in the other room. You couldn't hear them perfectly, but you knew what they were talking about: you. You put your unread book down and snuck closer to the archway to hear what they were saying.

"It wasn't her." Dean said matter-of-factly.

"Dean, it was. Look at the video. I'm sorry, but it was Y/N." Sam clicked something on his laptop. "No camera flares, her eyes are her eyes. It was her."

"It's just not possible. She must have been possessed."

"Her tattoo's intact Dean. I don't know what else to tell you." Sam struggled to get his brother to listen.

"You know that? You saw it?"

You stepped into the room. "It is." You said, lifting up your shirt and pulling down your sweat pants to show them the anti-possession tattoo on your right hip. "It's all there." You glared at each of the brothers in turn. "What video are you talking about?"

Sam moved to close his laptop. "It's nothing…"

"What video!" you growled at him and felt the heat rising in your face. Sam looked at Dean questioning whether or not to show you. Dean shrugged and Sam opened the laptop, moving over so you could see.

The video was security footage from a gas station mart. It was dark, but you could see a man and a woman partially illuminated off to the side of the building. The female grabbed the man's collar and spun him around, shoving him into the building. There was a flash of metal as she raised her arm and drove the blade down into the man's neck. She turned towards the camera and you could see the figure was you. Your mouth went dry and you felt yourself start to fall again. You grabbed the back of the chair in front of you and steadied yourself on it. Sam put a tentative hand on your back and you shoved him away. "Don't touch me." You were staring down at the screen, eyes wide, trying to take in every detail, hoping it would jog your memory. Sadly nothing came to you. Then you saw something at the top of the video; you pointed to it showing Sam. "What's that?"

He looked down squinting, "It's just a shadow."

"No, look at it: that's the woman!" For the first time in days you felt a shred of hope, a tiny light at the end of your impossible tunnel.

Sam did something with the computer that enhanced the image, making it bigger and bigger until you could see that you were correct: there was a woman standing at the top of the screen watching you, just like in your visions. "That's her," you said backing away, frightened. Dean moved in to take your place and look. "That's her. What do we do now? We go find her? Let's go. We can get her. She…she… I didn't imagine her. She's there. You guys see her. It's real. Let's go. Why are we not going!" You ran out of air rambling again. Dean approached you and put his hand on your cheek, drawing your attention away from your words and to his face instead.

"We will. But we have to find out who she is and how she's involved first. We can't find her if we don't know where to start looking. OK?" He said, rubbing your cheek with is thumb. You swallowed hard and tried to calm down, but your head was pounding and you felt your blood pressure rising. The longer you stared into Dean's eyes the more you wanted to slap him. You nodded and tried to pull away but he grabbed your shoulders and pulled you to him, enveloping you in a hug that would have normal calmed you, made you feel safe and loved; now it made you angry. You pushed him away and backed up, he looked at you with hurt, questioning eyes. "I'm sorry." You said, not knowing why you were feeling like this or how to stop it. "I'm sorry Dean."

"It's OK Y/N. We're gonna fix this." He said quietly.

"You keep saying that but how?" You yelled. "There's no plan, there's no nothing. I was gone for a week killing people! We got nothing but proof now, so what do we do? If it was anyone else you'd be tracking them down to kill them. So… what do we do with me? Lock me up Dean, put me in the dungeon so I can't hurt anyone else. Just do something!"

Neither man spoke; they didn't know what to say. Hot white pain pierced through your head as you looked at them.

 _You should kill them…_

The thought scared you and you shook your head to get rid of it.

 _Before they kill you…_

Dean's hand came up to reach for you and you bolted, turning and running from the room. You ran through the halls down to your room and slammed the door shut behind you. You could hear Dean's boots striking the floor as he ran after you, but you didn't care. You locked your door and pressed your back against it.

Dean knocked, "Y/N…let me in please."

"I can't." You closed your eyes and put your head back against the door. "I'm just gonna hurt you."

"No, you won't." He sighed behind the door. "Please baby, let me in."

You turned the lock and opened the door. Dean was standing on the other side, eyes red and full of emotion. You looked away from him, unable to bear the sight of the single tear that rolled down his cheek. "I'm sorry Dean. I don't know what's happening to me. I feel… angry and… scared."

"I know. I just want to help you. I love you Y/N."

Your heart ached for him so badly you pushed the pain and fear away and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him down to you. "I love you too Dean." You whispered in his ear before kissing his neck. You kissed him again, sucking gently on his earlobe and his jaw. He sighed against you and turned his face to kiss your lips. Everything else fell away for a moment and there was only Dean; only his lips pressed against yours, only his arms around you, only his rough hands running up and down your back and your sides, only the two of you. You moved back together into your room and he shut the door. You missed him; it had been over a week since you'd stormed out of the bunker, you hadn't felt him like this since then and you needed him desperately. You shoved him against the door and ran your hands up under his t-shirt, feeling his muscles. You pressed yourself flush against him, kissing him hard.

 _He's going to kill you…_

You ignored the pain and the voice that crept back into your mind, throwing yourself against Dean, devouring his mouth, tasting his skin, touching and grabbing everywhere you could.

 _He'll shoot you dead…He hates you…_

You stepped back and looked at the man in front of you. He grinned at you, drunk on your kisses, his eyes full of lust. He loved you; he would never hurt you.

 _He will…He'll choke the life out of you…_

You tried to push the voice away but it kept coming back to you, louder each time. Dean moved towards you, his hands on your hips and twirled you around so you were against the door, he kissed you deeply, tongue slipping between your lips easily. His hands moved slowly up under your shirt touching and pawing at your breasts.

 _You can't trust him…_

Dean caught the hem of your shirt and lifted it up over your head. Your eyes closed as the fabric passed over your face and you saw the woman from your visions. This time you could see her face clearly: black hair and pale paper-white skin, her eyes were ice blue and they seemed to glow as she looked at you.

 _You need to stop him…_

Dean tossed your shirt away and licked his lips as he looked at you. He pounced on your like a teenager, kissing across your chest and neck.

 _He is going to kill you…_

Dean brought both his hands up to cradle your face and crushed his lips against yours. Something inside you snapped, something in the back of your brain hit the panic button. You felt yourself darken, lust replaced with rage. The woman's voice began repeating over and over, drowning out everything else. _'He_ is _trying to kill me,'_ you thought and brought your arms up between his and pushed him off of you. He staggered backwards with his mouth open in shock.

"Y/N?" he said but you couldn't hear him at all. You reared back and punched him as hard as you could, your fist connecting with his jaw. He reeled, "What the hell!"

 _Do it… stop him…_

Dean stood back up and you swung again, hitting him near his eye. You weren't strong enough to knock him out, but the hit sent him to his knees. "Y/N stop!" he pleaded with you. Ignoring his cries you lifted your leg to kick him but he blocked it, grabbing your leg and pulling it so you fell backwards onto the floor. He jumped on top of you, sitting on your legs to keep you down. You beat your fist at him but he caught them and forced them down to your sides. You screamed, no words, just an animalistic scream that you could not control.

"Calm down! Stop it!" Dean yelled over your screams trying to snap you out of your rage. "Baby, please… Y/N come on…"

You stopped struggling and looked up into his face. You head slowly started to clear. He wasn't trying to kill you, he was trying to keep you calm, keep you from hurting yourself or him. The heat drained from your face and your breathing slowed. "Dean?" you were crying now, scared and confused.

Dean searched your face for a moment before deciding it was safe to get off of you. He sat back and let you go. You sat up quickly and scooted away from him, you put your back against the wall and brought your knees to your chest.

"What the hell Y/N/N?" Dean watched you, rubbing his face where you had hit him. "Are you OK?"

"I don't know. I'm so sorry Dean. I don't know what happened. I…" you couldn't continue: your voice got stuck behind the tears and you sobbed, breath coming out in hard gasps. "I'm sorry…"

Dean crawled over and sat beside you, his shoulder touching yours. He put his arm around you and you flinched, trying to pull away.

"Don't," you said, "I'll hurt you again. You should just go. Leave me, please."  
Dean shook his head and pulled you towards him. "I'm not gonna leave you. Stop trying to make me."

* * *

 _To Be Continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

You had fallen asleep at some point with Dean holding you in bed, rubbing your back and humming Bob Seger until you passed out. He was gone when you woke up, but that didn't surprise you; you had attacked him after all. With that thought you remembered you had seen the woman's face and Sam needed this new information so he could track her down. You pulled on your big gray hoodie and slipped your shoes on, heading out to find the guys.

"She hit you?" Sam and Dean were in the War Room; their voices were low but still echoed in the expansive room. You hung back once again to listen.

"Yeah, and not in a sexy 'we have a safe word' kinda way. Punched me, twice." Dean's voice was deep and sad. You kept your back to the wall, hopefully out of sight, but that meant you couldn't see them either.

"Why? What did you to do her?" Sam asked.

"I didn't do anything! She's acting crazy, yelling at me over nothing, half the time she looks at me like she wants to rip my head off. You haven't noticed?"

Sam sighed. "I have. She jumped down my throat yesterday for no reason. She's becoming very angry and apparently now violent…" You heard the rustle of pages. "I think I've figured some things out, but it's not good Dean."

"We just need to fix her, please. Anything is better than this."

"OK, so from what I've heard…"

You turned the corner and made your presence known by clearing your throat loudly. "Ya know, I'm back here listening and I start to feel kinda bad about all the eavesdropping I've been doing lately, but then I realized, I can only do that because you assholes are talking behind my back constantly!" You pointed at them each accusingly. "You have something to say, say it to my face!"

They looked back and forth between each other with that brotherly connection you used to love. Now it just made your blood boil, knowing they were silently deciding what to do with you.

Sam spoke up, "Fine. I think you are cursed. From what I've seen in the video and what you've told us you remember, I think the mystery woman is Abigail Faulkner, a very powerful witch who used to be part of The Grand Coven. In fact she was actually convicted of witchcraft during the Salem Witch Trials but they pardoned her because she was pregnant and she walked away unharmed..." Sam rambled on, pointing to his book occasionally.

"What? A witch?" You slurred, your head pounding suddenly again.

"It seems to fit." Sam continued, "From what you've told us, you must have run into her on your hunt and she cursed you. Problem is, I don't know how or what curse it is because there's no hex bags or amulets or anything here or in your stuff…"

Your pulse quickened. "You went through my stuff?" The words came out harsh through your clenched jaw.

Dean stepped forward, "Yeah, we did Y/N. I'm sorry, but you haven't been super cooperative lately and we need to get to the bottom of this."

"You are such an asshole Dean." Your vision was blurring around the edges, heat rising in your chest.

"That's another thing: you're getting very angry with us and now, violent and we need this to stop before something big happens." Sam said calmly. His hands were out in front of him like he was approaching a rabid dog.

A crazed laugh broke out of you. "What, you think I'm gonna kill you or something? Come on Sammy." You seethed. Could they see steam coming out of your ears?

Dean moved closer to you, "See that? That look, that look right there is really scary Y/N." he said, pointing at you.

You knew he was right and tried to relax your face, but it was hard: you were so charged up with rage by just looking at them.

"Fine. So what do we do?" You managed to say, looking down at your feet instead of Dean.

"We track the witch down and kill her." Sam said plainly.

Dean chimed in, "Nice and easy."

"Right," You spat, your voice was filled with sarcasm and hate. You took another deep breath to calm yourself. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to act like this. I just…" You clenched your jaw again, trying to keep the words from escaping. "I just really want to kick your face in right now."

Sam and Dean passed another look between them. Dean shook his head, exasperated and tired he turned away and sat down at the glowing table. Sam kept cool and told you firmly: "We are going to undo this. I just need you to hang on a bit longer."

"Hang on a bit longer." That was so easy for him to say. You stood at the kitchen counter a few hours later trying to make something to eat. You drew a long chef knife from the butcher block and started slicing up a cucumber to add to your salad. "Just hang on there Y/N," you mumbled to yourself mocking Sam. You should have slapped him for that one. Hang on, what the hell. You'll show him how to hang on. You chopped the cucumber swiftly, tossing into the big bowl of lettuce and reached for a tomato. _'This is too much food, maybe Sam will have some...'_ you thought, cutting into the ripe red fruit. "Maybe he'll choke on it." You said aloud without meaning too.

Dean coughed behind you and you swung around, knife still in your hand. "You all right?" he asked, obviously he'd been standing there a while and heard you talking to yourself.

"I'm fine." you said and turned back to the chopping board.

"Really?" he asked. You turned back to him and saw his face, red and a little swollen from the punches you'd thrown at him. You wanted to cry and kiss him and tell him you were sorry, but you pushed the feeling down and kept your cool.

"How's your face?" The words came out nasty again; you didn't know why you were being such a bitch. He nodded a little and looked away from you. "Dean I'm sorry," You said and went over to him, putting your hand on his good cheek. He looked at you, his green eyes were watery and tired. "I truly don't mean to do any of this. I can't help it, it just comes out and I can't stop. I'm so sorry. I can't believe I hurt you."

He turned his face and kissed your palm, gently wrapping his hand around your wrist. "Its OK. I understand, believe me. Sadly we've all been there." He laughed solemnly. His hand burned against your wrist and you felt that heat come back to you, rising in your chest, the darkness moving to take you over. "Sam went a year without his soul; hell, I was a demon for a while. It happens. But we'll get you back to normal I swear."

He kissed your hand again and moved to take you in his arms. You closed your eyes and tried to calm your thoughts, push away the anger but it came flooding over you. You had to get away from him before you did something horrible.

"Dean..." you growled at him. He didn't catch you tone, or didn't care and leaned forward kissing your mouth, his one hand on the small of your back, the other still on your wrist. The pit in your stomach grew larger until you couldn't hold it down anymore. You ripped your hand free from him and pushed at his chest. He kept kissing you, the hand on your back holding you close. You squirmed against him, pushing harder with your free hand, the 9-inch chef knife still in your other hand. "Get away from me!" You yelled, pulling away with all your strength.

Dean released you, "I'm sorry..." You could tell he was scared of you and you were glad: he should be scared...

"Don't fucking touch me again." Your voice was hard and low, words spilling from your mouth like a threat. You held the chef knife up; twirling it in your hand till you held the blade down offensively, ready to strike.

Dean held his hands up and backed away slowly. "Just relax. I'm not gonna hurt you."

"No, you won't." You snarled. You felt nothing but hatred looking at the hunter, it burned through your veins, you shook with it, waiting for your moment to strike, to sink your blade into his chest and watch him fall...

"What the hell!" Sam ran through the doorway, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw the scene before him. "Y/N... what are you doing?"

Dean turned his head towards the door, taking his eyes off you for a second. You used that moment to attack and jumped forward at him.

"Dean!" Sam yelled to his brother and Dean turned back to you just in time to catch your arm as it came down to stab him. You screamed, struggling to free your arm, ripping at Dean's hands with your fingers. He twisted your wrist and the knife fell to the floor with a loud clang of metal hitting tile. You slapped him hard with your free hand and kicked at him, screaming the whole time.

The sound of wings suddenly filled the kitchen as Castiel appeared behind you. He reached out and grabbed your shoulders, pulling you back from Dean. You turned, ready to strike him but instead he reached up and placed his hand on your cheek. Instantly you relaxed. You exhaled deeply and with it you felt all the heat and anger and pain slip away. It ran like water down from your head, through your body, escaping from your fingertips and toes into the ground. The sudden shift in your body made you dizzy and you lost control, falling down into Cas's waiting arms. He lifted you and you threw your arms around his neck, hiding your face in his trench coat as the tears leapt from your eyes. "Help me please..." you cried softly.

Dean and Sam watched in stunned silence as Castiel carried you out of the kitchen. "What the hell man? She almost killed me!" Dean looked to his younger brother for help.

Sam nodded. "I know."

"This has to end. Now."

"I know. That's why I came in here," Sam said. "To tell you we found the witch."

Castiel carried you to your room and laid you down gently on your bed. You sat up and pressed yourself back against the headboard, hugging your knees to your chest. You replayed the last few minutes over and over in your head; you had truly wanted to kill Dean. There was nothing more important that watching him die. You closed your eyes and let the tears fall, you were exhausted mentally and physically and terrified of what you'd do next.

Cas sat down awkwardly at the foot of the bed and looked at you.

"I almost killed him." You said, your throat was raw from all the screaming.

"I would not have let you Y/N." Castiel replied.

"I wanted to kill him. Every bit of me wanted to rip him apart. Why? What's happening to me Cas? I can't go on like this." You wiped at your eyes with your sleeve. Castiel put his hand on your foot and patted. You laughed at his gawky gesture.

"Sam and I have located The Witch. He and Dean are going to go kill her and break you from this spell." He said, looking at you with kind blue eyes.

"You found her?" You were excited, hopeful. "Where? When are we going?" You moved to get up off the bed, Cas reached for your hand.

"You're not going Y/N." He said. "I will stay here with you and keep you safe."

"Are you kidding me?" You pushed his hand away and stood up. "I'm going. This is my problem. I have to deal with this." Your words were hard. Not with scary curse-induced anger, just your natural annoyance at being told what to do.

Cas looked up at you. "You cannot go. We've figured out what is happening and it's best if you stayed here. She cursed you with an obedience spell and spent last week training you to kill. Specifically to kill Sam and Dean."

Your mouth fell open in shock. "What? No…" But it made sense. The murders you were flashing back too, she'd been at each one… the voice inside your head when you attacked Dean… the hateful pit in your stomach every time Sam spoke to you… it had to be true.

The guys were loading up the Impala and you stood in the doorway watching them. You bit your lip and hugged yourself, trying to keep away the negative thoughts that filled your mind. "How far away is she?" You asked quietly, your voice carrying over easily to them in the cavernous garage.

Sam threw his duffle in the backseat and shut the door. "A few hours. If all goes well we'll be back tomorrow night." He said, throwing you a friendly smile. Despite it you could see how worried he was. He refused to make eye contact with you since the kitchen and it hurt you to think your best friend didn't want you around anymore.

 _He never did anyway…He always hated you…You took his brother away from him…_

You shook your head and groaned, pushing away the voice.

Dean noticed and looked at you sadly. He would never push you away. He would keep on loving you no matter what you did, that was Dean.

 _He'll love you until he dies…Until you kill him…_

You closed your eyes tight and dug your fingernails into your palms trying to distract yourself from the rising anger. When you opened your eyes Dean was in front of you, looking down into your face. He was crying again which would have normally broken your heart, but now you loved it, loved seeing him in pain. You tried to remind yourself it wasn't you, but the spell. How could that be? You felt it in your bones, deep down in your soul you wanted him dead.

 _Kill him and get it over with…_

"I'm sorry I let this happen to you." He said, his words coated with heavy guilt.

"You didn't do this. You tried to stop me from going, remember? It was all me. I was stupid." You shivered as the memories tried to take you over again. You didn't have much more fight in you and you knew the longer you stayed this close to Dean the less chance you'd have of stopping yourself. You reached up and hugged him tightly, whispering in his ear: "I love you Dean. I really do. I'm sorry." You kissed his cheek and pulled away. He caught your hand as you turned and pulled you back towards him. The touch sent flames up to your face. You narrowed your eyes at him; you felt the rage growing deep within you. "You have to go," you said through your teeth. "Now. Please." Dean let your hand go and you took off running back to your room.

* * *

 _To be continued..._


	4. Chapter 4

_You turned the corner into the dark living room and the scene before you was not at all what you had expected. All the furniture had been pushed against the wall so the middle of the room was empty. Empty except for an altar encircled with white pillar candles, covered in black cloth and various supernatural items most of which you could not identify. A woman stood behind the altar and smiled when you walked in. She was beautiful. Shorter than you, small and petite, with long raven hair, pale white skin and piercing blue eyes. You froze, unsure of what you'd walked into. You were here hunting a ghost; this witch was not even on your radar. And besides, you were not prepared for this, throwing salt on a witch did nothing._

 _The woman chanted quickly in Latin, too quickly for you to translate, and it was nothing you'd ever heard before. Beyond the standard exorcism ritual Latin was, well, Latin to you. She threw something into the bowl on the altar and it exploded in bright red light. You stood, frozen staring at it, you couldn't move, or blink or even breath. You were frozen._

Castiel was wandering around the library, occasionally picking up a book, examining it and putting it back. You were huddled under a blanket in the big armchair again, slipping in and out of sleep. You realized you weren't dreaming so much as finally remembering. You saw yourself on the hunt, working the case, and then that night the witch found you. The memories were still fragmented, but they were becoming longer and started to move together to make more sense.

Sam and Dean had been gone for only a few hours but the waiting was driving you crazy. You hated being benched, hated sitting around with nothing to do. You couldn't even pick up a book or do any sort of research without your head searing in pain. So you sat and watched Castiel as he walked around the big room.

"Don't you have anything better to do?" You asked as he passed by you again.

"I am doing exactly what I should be doing. I'm protecting you." He said without looking at you. His fingers ran over the spine of a large book on the shelf next to you. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh just wonderful." You said sarcastically. "I'm cursed, I want to kill my boyfriend, I haven't slept in days and I keep having crazy-ass visions of murder. Yeah, I'm just peachy."

"I have never understood why humans compare themselves to fruit."

"Do you even listen to me when I talk?"

Castiel turned and looked at you with his classic head tilt. "I am listening to you." He said. "I can help you sleep if you'd like."

"What do you mean, you can knock me out?" You didn't like the sound of that at all, but you were exhausted and every time you closed your eyes another vision took over. Maybe if he helped you could rest.

"Yes. I could help you sleep," said the angel. He looked sad, like he truly wanted to help you get through this.

"That would be… awesome. Yes, do that please." you said, wrapping the blanket around you a little tighter. "What do I do?"

Cas leaned over and very gently placed two fingers on your forehead.

 _There was blood everywhere. It covered your hands. You threw the knife to the floor and licked the blood off your fingertips. The iron sizzled on your tongue._

 _The witch clapped her hands and moved closer to you. "I think you are ready my dear." she said. Her voice was like music in your head. You smiled at her. She was so beautiful; you loved her so much. Everything about her was perfect, and you'd do whatever she wanted. All she had to do was ask for it and you'd do it._

 _Three, four, five men, all dead by your hands. You stood still with the pile of bodies at your feet, calmly waiting for your instructions._

Cas was trying to wake you. You could feel his hands on your arms, shaking you, but you couldn't wake. He called your name but you slipped back into the darkness.

" _The Winchesters must be stopped." The witch walked towards you slowly. You held you breath waiting for her, you smiled, wanting to be good and make her happy. Every bit of you craved her, wanted to see her, hear her voice, to touch her, to be touched by her. "They are truly evil. They kill everyone and everything they meet; they've almost ended the world more than once. They are bumbling idiots with the keys to the kingdom and we cannot let them continue." You nodded in agreement. She was right: they had to be stopped. Abigail reached out and touched your cheek with her delicate fingers. You closed your eyes and turned your face into the touch, it felt like heaven. You breathed again and let the bliss of being close to her wash over you. "Will you kill them for me?"_

 _You opened your eyes immediately and sighed, "Yes."_

" _Then come to me now. Do what you have to do."_

Your eyes shot open and you found yourself nose to nose with Castiel, his blue eyes wide, face contorted with worry. You swallowed and pushed yourself up in the chair.

"Woa, Cas, what are you doing?" You were a little disoriented, your head was fuzzy but pain-free for the first time in weeks.

"I could not wake you Y/N. You were crying in your sleep. Are you all right?" He asked, his hand still on your shoulder, the best gesture of comfort he could manage.

You wiped at your cheeks with your fingers and felt the track of tears. "I'm ok. Yes, sorry. I feel…good." You did, you felt really good. Peaceful. "How long was I out?"

Cas stood up, "Not long. Your dreams seemed…disturbed."

You got to your feet and threw the blanket aside. "No, I feel fine. I'm good. Thanks for the, ya know, magic nap." You smiled. Castiel looked at you suspiciously but didn't say anything further. "Hey, maybe we should go check on the guys. They might need our help."

Castiel shook his head. "No. You need to stay here."

"I'm fine. What if they're in trouble? You can fly us to them in a second, come on Cas." You needed to get to Sam and Dean right away, and Cas's wings were the fastest transportation you knew of.

The angel turned away and shook his head again. "It is not a good idea. You need to stay here with me. Sam and Dean will be fine. And if they need help, I will go…alone."

 _Don't let him stop you…Get rid of him…_

You clenched your jaw but tried to stay cool. There were other options if he wouldn't take you. "Ok, sorry." You bit your tongue and tried to think up a plan. "I'm gonna go take a shower." You said finally.

"I will wait here." Castiel said with a nod.

* * *

 _You must hurry…_

You stood alone in your room, blood pouring from your left hand where you had cut it with you knife. You dipped your fingers in the warm crimson pool and painted on your wall.

 _They are coming to kill me…You mustn't let them get to me…_

With your work complete you stuck your head out into the hallway and screamed; your voice echoing through the empty bunker. "Cas! Help!" You ran back towards your painting and waited. You were calm and ready, your course was set and you would not fail.

Castiel appeared in your doorway within seconds. "Y/N?"

You smiled at him wildly and pressed your bloody hand to the center of the Angel Banishing Sigil you'd created. A flash of light burst through your room, sending Castiel away and leaving you alone to continue your mission.

With a quick scan of the maps and printouts Sam had left in his room you found out where they were going. It wasn't far and if you drove fast enough you could make it in time.

* * *

You drove down the highway like a maniac. It was dark and it had started to rain, but the road was empty. Nothing would have stopped you anyway; you had to get to Abigail and save her, hell, save the world from the Winchesters.

You took your exit and pulled off to the side of the road. You had no idea where to go next.

 _Time is running out…_

You dialed Dean's number and waited anxiously.

"Y/N? What's wrong?" He answered, whispering into the phone.

"Nothing, I'm OK. I just… where are you?" You tried to sound scared and desperate, like you needed him to come home.

"What? Where's Cas? I can't really talk right now." He said quickly.

"Where are you? I'm worried Dean."

He wasn't buying your act at all. "Just stay put. This is almost over. I'll be home soon." Dean hung up on you and you threw your phone down, aggravated. You stared out the window at the rain, not having a clue what to do or how to find them. Sam's notes only got you to the town, after that the trail disappeared. You slammed your hands against the steering wheel and let out a little scream.

Seconds later a vision came to you, this one wasn't a memory, this was happening now _: An old dark house, the Impala, street signs, and Abigail's face._

You blinked to clear your eyes and started the engine.

The house was on the corner of Alston and 12th Street, set back a bit from the road by a large overgrown yard. The Impala was parked two blocks away like you knew it would be. You drove past it, checking for the boys, it was empty: they must already be inside the house.

 _Hurry…_

You parked and checked your weapons. You sheathed your hunting knife and shoved it in its spot under your jacket, your gun was loaded and ready and you carried it with you, ready to go.

You slipped in the back door, and listened, searching the house with your ears. It didn't take long to figure out where to go, you could hear Sam and Dean struggling and you could practically feel how close you were to Abigail. Your heart leapt at the thought of seeing her again and you moved forward swiftly.

Turning a corner you walked into a large room that looked much like the rest of the house, it was in shambles, walls and ceilings haven partially fallen down, dust and dirt everywhere. You wanted to scream out in excitement: you had found them! Sam was closest to you and you aimed your gun at his back. He had his own gun trained at the front of the room: your eyes followed it to see Abigail holding Dean magically against the wall by the throat. Sam was yelling at Abigail, screaming threats that you couldn't hear. All you saw was her and you knew what you had to do. Your stomach flipped and you took at step forward. "Hey there Sammy."

His head snapped around towards you, his mouth dropped open. "Y/N!"

"Excellent! You made it!" Abigail laughed and smiled at you. The sound made your heart melt, your body relaxed and you smiled, never taking your eyes off of Sam.

You could see how panicked he was, "Y/N, put the gun down."

"Oh Sam…I'm not gonna do that, sorry."

Sam put his hands up, "OK, OK… just think about this." He said. He put his own gun down on the ground by his feet and tried to reason with you, "You're under a spell. This isn't you. You don't want to do this."

"Ah but she does want to do this." Abigail's voice drifted over to you. You smiled again. "Don't you darling?"

"I really do Sam." You laughed.

"Y/N, don't!"

You squeezed the trigger and watched as Sam fell to the ground. A wave of relief washed over you, your head buzzed with contentment. One down. You smiled, wide eyed and stepped over Sam's body towards the witch. She released Dean and he slid down the wall, crashing to the floor, red and gasping for air.

Abigail came towards you and you froze, waiting patiently for her. "Very, very good Y/N." You entire body tingled when she said your name; you were so happy that you pleased her. The witch moved close and her lips brushed your cheek. The kiss sent electricity all through you; you closed your eyes and basked in the sensation. "One more…" She whispered.

You looked across the room at Dean. He was down on all fours, struggling to get to his feet. You ran to him and kicked him hard in the stomach. He fell over onto his side and you kicked again. You attacked him, kicking and punching and using all your strength to keep him down. He fought back defensively, blocking your blows, knocking the gun from your hands. He gagged, clutching his gut and calling your name, trying to stop you. You couldn't hear his cries. You couldn't see the blood or the tears on his face. You couldn't feel his hands grabbing your leg, begging you to stop.

"Finish it." said the witch behind you.

You reached down and grabbed a fistful of Dean's flannel and pulled him up so he was kneeling in front of you. You pulled the knife from under your jacket and ran the tip of the blade slowly down along his jaw. He looked up at you, emerald eyes begging you to stop. "Y/N, please…"

"Shh…" You smiled down at him, "It'll all be OK." You kissed his lips quickly and then stood back, knife raised high above you. You brought it down swiftly towards his chest and he pushed you backwards hard. He reached up and grabbed your attacking hand, locking his hand around the knife handle with yours. You screamed and struggled to bring the knife down into him. He climbed to his feet and used his height to dominate the fight, forcing your hands down. You clawed at his hands, refusing to let go of the knife. You screamed and growled and spat at him as he wrestled with you, each of you now fighting for your life.

Behind you Sam slowly climbed to his feet and picked up his gun. Abigail heard him and turned to deal with the tall hunter.

Dean had finally gained an edge in the fight and moved the knife down between you both, turning the blade towards your stomach and away from his.

Sam wasted no time, took aim and fired two shots into the witch's head.

Abigail began to fall and your vision went blurry, the shot rang out in your ears, making you dizzy. Her body hit the floor and the curse lifted, freeing your body and mind from her command. You felt her control flood out of you like a wave receding from the shore. Cold sweat broke out all over your skin and you finally woke up, clear headed and terrified as if you'd been asleep this whole time; you looked at Dean and saw that you were waking up into a nightmare.

"Dean?" You croaked. Your voice was small and pitiful. He looked into your eyes and saw you were back, but it was too late: his hands continued their motion, driving the blade into your abdomen.

"Y/N!"

You fell, knees buckling as the pain ripped through you. Dean held you and you sank to the floor in his arms. "Dean…" Your hands went to the knife still inside your gut.

"Don't touch it. Oh my god…Sam!" He screamed for his brother.

You suddenly remembered everything you'd done. "Sam… I killed Sam!" You cried, tears spilling freely from your eyes. It was getting harder to breathe.

"No, no Y/N, Sam's fine. You hit his shoulder." Dean's fingers brushed the hair back from your face. "You're a terrible shot." He laughed.

"Dean…I can't…" You swallowed hard, trying to apologize before you couldn't anymore. "I'm sorry. I should have…listened to you. I shouldn't have left."

"Sam! We gotta get her out of here. Get the car…run!" He looked down into your eyes and smiled, trying to keep you calm. "It's OK. You're gonna be fine. I got you."

It was getting harder to focus; you stared at Dean's face, counting the freckles that danced across his nose. You touched them, running your index finger over his skin gently. "I love you," you sighed and closed your eyes.

"Don't do that. Y/N! Stay awake, look at me! Hey! Hey! Y/N!"

* * *

How long did it take to say you're sorry? Probably twenty minutes or so: it was a long, drawn-out apology spanning many days and many transgressions. It took another few minutes for the three men in your life to say they accepted and forgave you. How long would it take before you didn't feel a wave of guilt hit you every time they looked at you? Probably forever.

It had been three weeks since the witch had fallen. The boys got you to an emergency room right away and they patched you up. Thankfully Dean hadn't hit any major organs or arteries and you would be fine, albeit on the mend for a while. You were mostly back to normal. The headaches were gone, but the memories were forever. You could remember everything, every second of being cursed and used and made to kill. Once the painkillers were used up you took to the bottle, drinking yourself to sleep each night in hopes the whiskey would keep the nightmares away.

 _Dean's rough fingers pried at yours trying to take the knife away. You kicked and screamed at him, pulling your arms down and wrestling with him. Your grip loosened and Dean took control, jamming the knife down into you, the sharp blade piercing your skin._

You sat straight up in bed, waking up, gasping for air. Tears shot down your face; the whiskey had done nothing to deaden your guilty subconscious tonight. Dean shifted next to you, waking up. He wrapped an arm around you and pulled you back down to the mattress. "It's OK Y/N. I got you," he murmured and tugged you closer to him. You relaxed and turned towards him, fitting your head under his chin, your face pressed against his chest. It wasn't OK yet, but it would be. Dean kissed the top of your head. "I love you." He said, drifting back to sleep.

"I love you too Dean." You shut your eyes and willed your mind to think of happier things: of you and Dean together, of joy rides in the Impala, of nights out with Sam and Cas, of friends and hugs and family.

~The End~

* * *

 _A/N: Thanks so much for reading! I am in love with this story! Hope you liked it._


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